I am the child

I have been going through old scrapbooks for a lesson that I am teaching next week for my church. Part of the lesson is about what we learn from our parents and what we need to teach our children. It is about all about a father talking to his 3 sons. I was looking for letters that I know I have from my parents as I was growing up, I found the letters I wanted to read during my lesson. I am very blessed to have incredible parents. I really don't think I could have ever hoped for better.

I often wonder what my children will say about me and what they have learned from me.
One of the scrap books that I looked through was one from when Kailee had her accident and was in the hospital. I knew that I had a couple of letters in there from my parents, I found this poem that someone had given me that at the time and I KNOW I didn't appreciate.

As I read this poem now it brings so many different emotions up BUT it is so exactly how I feel. I learned so much more from my Kailee than I will ever learn from anyone else. She taught my other kids so much and I only pray that all of us can remember these lessons and continue to live the life we should!
Honestly, When Kailee first had her accident obviously I was thrown into a world I wanted nothing to do with and didn't understand. So much to think about, wheelchairs, tubes, med's, doctors, hospitals, everything was foreign to me.
We learned how to do everything, to survive this new world and when Kailee died we were thrown out of this world that we had come to love.
Now when I see friends and other people with a disabled child/special needs child/or however you want to say it...I get JEALOUS! I get sad and wish that I had my Kailee back but I am mostly jealous and sad that they get to be a part of that world and I don't anymore. That they still have a very special child teaching them lessons.

I am Child

I am the child who cannot talk. You often pity me. I see it in your eyes. You wonder how much I am aware of...I see that as well. I am aware of much...whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or impatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me. I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do. You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times. I do not gift you with clever conversations, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated. I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well-being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world around me. I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards...great strides in development that you can credit yourself for. I do not give you understanding as you know it.

What I give you is so much more valuable....I give you instead opportunities.

Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine; the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities; the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible. I drive you further than you would ever do on your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions, creating questions with no answers. I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk. The world sometimes seems to pass me by. You see the longing in my eyes to get our of this chair, to run and play like other children. There is much you take for granted. I want the toys on the shelf. I need to go to the bathroom, Oh, I've dropped my fork again. I am dependent on you in these ways. My gift to you is to make you aware of your great fortune, your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself. Sometimes people appear not to notice; I always notice them. I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright, to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent. I give you awareness. I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired. I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick. What I do know is infinite joy in the simple things. I am not burdened as you are with the strife and conflicts of a more complicated life. My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity. I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the disabled child. I am your teacher. If you allow me. I will teach you what is really important in life. I will give you and teach you unconditional love. I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you. I teach you of respect for others and their uniqueness. I teach you about the sanctity of life. I teach you about how very precious this life is and about not taking things for granted. I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams. I teach you giving. Most of all, I teach you hope and faith.

I am the disabled child.

I am and will forever be grateful for the lessons I learned from Kailee. I try to LOVE life and live it to the fullest. I try to remain humble and remember what is important. I will never be able to give back what I have gotten from my experience of being the Mom to a very special disabled child...But I will never stop trying in how I live my life and how I try to teach my children.