A new Year and a New outlook on life

I have never been a big New Year’s fan or New Year’s resolution kind of person but this year with the circumstances in my life I am going to start the new year with a little bit different outlook.

I would say this is what I am going to focus on for this new year. I am starting to really enjoy my alone time and not having to answer to anyone for my schedule, I haven’t had this kind of freedom since I was 18 years old but then I was married by the time I was 19. I am trying to fucos on what I truly want in life and BEING WHO I really AM.

I am learning how to worry more about how I feel and less about what people might think. I am trying to set new boundaries and to let go of my need to please, perform, and perfect.

One of my friends gave me this amazing book for Christmas I LOVED it. I have already started re-reading it and have highlighted too many pages. 

It is called "The gift of imperfection - Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are" by Brene Brown 

I haven't been touched by a book like this in years. I have thought about the concepts in this book because of my life changes, it was just what I needed to refocus my thoughts and be WHO I AM!

I love how she writes that she started saying ‘No’ rather than ‘Sure’ (and being resentful and pissed off later). She started saying "Oh, hell yes!" rather than "Sounds fun, but I have lots of work to do" or "I'll do that when I'm________ (thinner, less busy, better prepared)".

I feel like I have tried to do this since Kailee died but am going to try harder to live life fully and completely, but I realize I really haven't. I haven't appreciated the people that I have in my life, nor the opportunities I have in front of me

Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. Living the life you want to live, not the one you’re supposed to live. Letting go of who you think you are supposed to be and embracing who you are.

It’s really hard to own our story because you really do have to put yourself so completely out there where it is so easy to get hurt.

We’ve lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we're feeling and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage

“Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line.”  Letting someone you care about see us as imperfect leads to a strengthing of our relationship.

I have a hard time NOT doing this. If you know me, you know everything about me and I rarely hide what I am thinking or feeling. I have been told that this is a flaw or that I should keep some things to myself. BUT, I am willing to risk being vulnerable and disappointed because I think I do get more joy and connection out of life by being this way.

Every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better.

Our first response to pain - ours or someone else's--is self-protection. We protect ourselves by looking for someone or something to blame, or by turning to judgment.

The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become.

This is something I really am going to focus on more this year. 

I have always felt really connected to other people. I have always valued the connections I do have. I get teased all the time that friends can't go anywhere with me without running into someone I know. I have always treasured the people I know and don't ever want to lose contact or track of anyone I have ever known.  

I never fit in growing up, I would say that I have scars from my childhood, up through high school because I never felt like I fit in and was actually teased quite a bit. I love that I am learning I don't need or want to fit in anymore. I just want to be me, I hope that people will love me or like me, but they don't need to anymore. I like myself and I love me!

I always longed to belong to the "popular" group or really any group for that matter.

Learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting is is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are. It requires us to be who we are.  

“If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, we have to talk about the things that get in the way - especially fear, shame and vulnerability.”

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame convinces us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us. Shame is all about fear. We're afraid the people won't like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we're struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring (sometimes it's just as hard to own our strengths as our struggles).

Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.

I feel so incredibly blessed and lucky that I have so many people in my life that I can share my shame, imperfections, and vulnerabilities with and they still love me and make me feel like I belong.

It really is so hard to just be yourself and to love yourself for who you really are. To not change to be what or who people think you should be. I am really focusing on this for myself this year and hopefully I can teach my girls to do this. I watch Savana and she is probably the person most like this who I know. She has never cared what people think. She wears what she likes, does her hair how she likes and if people make fun of her, she tells them that she doesn't care what they think because she likes it. She will sing or dance in front of anyone. Truly amazing to me.

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Choosing authenticity means:

·     cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;

·     exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and

·     nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.

E.E. Cummings wrote, "To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight - and never stop fighting." "Staying real" is one of the most courageous battles that we'll ever fight. "

Anna Quindlen wrote, "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." 

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's Heaven on Earth." Mark Twain

Laughter, song and dance are so woven into the fabric of our everyday life that we can forget how much we value the people who can make us laugh, the songs that inspire us to toll down the car window and sing at the top of our lungs, and the total freedom we feel when we "dance like no one is watching" 

We yearn to laugh and sing and dance when we feel joy, but we also turn to these forms of expression when we feel lonely, sad, excited, in love, heart-broken, afraid, ashamed, confident, certain, doubtful, brave, grief, and ecstasy (just to name a few). I'm convinced that there's a song, a dance and a path to laughter for every human emotions. 

My life truly has a soundtrack. And the songs from that soundtrack can stir memories and provoke emotion in me like nothing else. I realize that not everyone shares the same passion for music, but the one thing that is universal about song is its ability to move us emotionally - sometimes in ways we don't even think .

I am rarely doing anything where I don't have music on. I LOVE to drive with my music loud. When I am home, cooking or cleaning or even just sitting here writing, I have my music on. There are so many songs that take me right back to a specific moment in time. I love that something can touch my soul that way. I love turning my music up and just dancing around my house with my kids. I know they get embarrassed by their mom but we have so much fun and it makes me feel so happy.

This is part of why I love dressing up for races, it makes me feel like a kid again, and free.

I know how much courage it takes to let people hear our hearts speak, but life is way too precious to spend it pretending like we are super-cool and totally in control when we could be laughing, singing and dancing.

I love these thoughts, hers from the book and what it has made me feel and think in the last week.

I am learning more about myself every day and am really trying to live this way. I do feel terrified but also more alive than I have ever felt. I feel grateful beyond belief. I am truly enjoying the alone time that I now have. I am learning to quiet my mind and explore why I felt anxious. I am learning how to truly be me, to say what I truly feel and think. To stand up for myself and what I really need. I think I am a pretty open, vulnerable person but I am going to try and be that way without exception.  

I am really enjoying taking the time for friends and loved ones like I haven't been able to in a long time. I realize how important this is to me. How grateful I am for the connections and friendships that have carried me over the years.

I am really looking forward to this new year and feel more at peace than I have in years.

I think I am finally figuring out the peace that I have longed for, for so long. This peace comes from me, from knowing myself, loving myself and being my true, authentic self.

Happy New Year!