Sweet Solitaire.....Maybe not so sweet all the time

I am particularly sad this Christmas Morning. I have been up for 4 hours now by myself. I have organized all the presents for my kids in groups, It is the first time in 17 years that there isn't a pile of presents labeled mom. It isn't about the presents, just the awareness that there isn't a partner there to fill my stocking with sweet things.

I have made breakfast, made a fire, cleaned up everything I can and now I sit here alone.....waiting for the kids to wake up.
I have teenagers so who knows how late that will be.

I knew this year would be different and in so many ways it has truly been amazing! I have wonderful kids, an amazing family and such good friends. I have been able to do so many of the things I love.

Yesterday for Christmas Eve, I spent the entire day cooking for our dinner. Savy was here with me but was watching movies all day so I got lost in my thoughts all day long. I love to cook so this was very peaceful to me but also made me a bit melancholy. I was really excited to have all 4 of my living kids over for dinner. Also, my best friends Nate, Amanda. Obviously every year the hole of Kailee not being here is huge.

Dinner was wonderful, we opened Christmas Eve presents, then Gage left to go to his dad's, Cassi and Greyden left to go with friends, Savy went to bed, and Nate and Amanda left to their homes.

I didn't think I would be this sad about going to bed alone on Christmas Eve and waking up and playing Santa all alone this morning. I have so much to be grateful for that I am trying hard not to be sad. It is a completely New, different experience for me. I have never been alone like this.

I wouldn't say I am lonely, it is just different.

I don't know how many times I have said over the last 18 years, I just want peace.....That is all I want. From a hard first marriage, to Kailee's accident and the chaos and sorrow that brought, to the Chaos that was my life for the last 9 years after her death. I am learning that peace is a very different thing than I thought. I still crave it and am so grateful that I am getting it and learning how to appreciate the chaos as well as the peace.

I wish I would have appreciated the good parts of the chaos while I had it. All I have ever wanted is a big family with the traditions and chaos that brings. I have this with my siblings and parents and to some degree I do with my kids but they all have other parents that they go spend time with, It isn't one family unit. I never thought I would be here.

I am really excited and grateful that again all 4 kids will be here this morning and that even at 21 Greyden slept over here last night. I love them so much and am so grateful for every moment I get with my children......they will all be leaving this morning by 11 or so to go with their other parents.

I have thought a lot about what I want to do and what I am going to do. I feel overwhelmed with sadness to be alone for the first time on Christmas Day!

I am going to go and babysit my friends kids so that she can go with her family to a movie. I am so grateful for opportunities like this. I may go see my parents, and Grandparents. I may just stay home clean my house and watch TV all day.
Again, I don't feel lonely and part of me actually is quite enjoying the time I have gotten in the last few months on my own.....I am just sad this morning that I am by myself, that my daughter Kailee isn't here, that I don't get to spend the entire day with my other children.

And I am TRULY Grateful for what I do have. I am so blessed beyond measure.

Merry Christmas!