Children

I told my mom a couple of weeks ago that if I had known how much pain my children would bring me I don't know....no I don't think I would have had any.
When you are growing up no one tells you the pain that comes with having kids. Not that you would listen anyway because you are too busy causing your parents pain. All I thought about when I wanted kids was the fun, the cuteness and enjoyment that would come from them.

I get to be a step mom to 2 wonderful boys who couldn't be nicer or sweeter to me. I love them dearly and am SO grateful they are my sons...BUT they have a wonderful mom and I will always be the Step Mom. Which is wonderful and I know there is a very special place for me in their hearts but I will alwys be second. I know this is how it should be but it still hurts my heart. I have been their step mom since they were 6 and 8. They have both lived with me for most of the last 7 years. But I will always still be just a step mom.
Now I know there is another side to this coin and I am very lucky to have been the one to get to do things with each of them because their mom lives in another state and I cherish those moments.

So I have been struggling with the pain from my children lately...Greyden moved out about a year and a half ago. I was so sad to see him go even though it was just down the street. He and I have always been close. I rarely get to see him or talk to him anymore...He is too busy living life and being a 20 almost 21 year old. AS HE SHOULD BE.

Gage just graduated from High school a few weeks ago which means he will likely move out soon. He talks about moving in with Greyden all the time and would move out if he could afford it. Thankfully he doesn't have a job that will make it possible for him to move out for awhile. I am not ready for that yet, though I know he would move out tomorrow if he could afford it. SAD...I do remember being that age though and I know that he should experience living with h is brother and friends. I just hate seeing my kids leave.

This brings us to Cassidy.......When I got divorced over 14 years ago, I remember thinking I am so grateful that my girls are so young first and that I had girls because of the special relationship that moms have with thier daughters and that my girls wouldn't want to go and live with their dad ever.
The longer I live the more I realize how naive I am and have been in my thinking. How wrong I was.

3 weeks ago Cassidy got her patriarichal blessing and it was one of the neatest moments I have had with her in her life. She and I have always been extremnely close and I have never really had many issues with her. She struggles with school work and always has but she really has rarely been snotty or mean to me. She has always told me everything...lots of times more than I want to know about her and her friends. I really didn't ever have a thought that she wouldn't want to live with me until she was 45.
2 weeks ago Thursday she rocked my world and told me that she wanted to move in with her dad. I listened to her and told her I would think about it and pray....after she left wtih her dad and step mom...I cried and cried and cried for days. I hadn't cried that hard since Kailee died.

To my mother's heart it felt like I was losing another daughter. As unreasonable as that sounds it is how I felt and still feel a bit. I raised her, I have been here every day for 16 years no matter how hard it was. I am the one who has taken her to every doctor appt. she has ever gone to, every school appt., Every IEP. EVERYTHING....How could she now tell me that she doesn't need me or want to live with me. Just when she is getting to all the fun stuff. I don't know about other mom's but I had such a fun wonderful relationship with my mom through high school that when I found out that I was pregnant with a girl, all I did was dream about when she got to high school and all of the fun things we would get to do together. I dreamed of her wedding and her dates with the person that she would eventually marry, the late night talks about boys and friends.

I already think every day about what I am missing with Kailee being dead. I don't ever get to experience high school, boys, dances and everything else with Kailee. NOW I feel like I am going to miss those things wtih Cassi too.
My two oldest daughters and I don't get to have either of them live with me during their high school years.
Now I understand her wanting to live wtih her dad. She never has and I even understand that she has a right to live with her dad and that there is nothing wrong with her desire. So I agreed and she moved out 2 weeks ago. It isn't her fault that her dad and I couldn't stay married and I think she has done very well with coming from a divorced home.
But my mom's heart is still hurting more than I can find words to describe. She tells me it has nothing to do with me and that she just wants to experience what it is like to live there. I know that there is no way she can understand how much this hurts until she has a child of her own.
I would never have imagined that at 37 years old I would only have an 11 year old daughter left at home. I always thought I would have lots of kids and they would all want to be around me and live close. I know that there is still a lot of time in their lives and that they are all young but right now I feel pretty rejected by most of my kids.
I can honestly say that I didn't know that my kids would bring me this much pain when I had them.
I don't like free agency...I don't like my kids growing up....I don't like my kids moving out.