Just Breathe

I don't know why but today I am a bit Melancholy...I can't stop thinking about Kailee and how life would be different if she were still here.
From within days of her accident I was very blessed by my Heavenly Father to have a peace and knowing that things were OK and I really have never asked WHY me? Why my daughter? and still I rarely do, NOT because of anything I do or have done. It is because my Heavenly Father is wonderful and blessed me and continues to help me.......I am not doing that today I am more wondering "What if?"

What if I had a 12 almost 13 year old daughter here in my home. What would she be like? What would she look like? Before Kailee's accident she was a mini version of me. I wonder if she would still look like me. Would she still have dark curly hair or would that have changed? How tall would she be? My other kids are all on the short side. I don't have a clue how?? but they are. She was the only one that was tall like me.

What would her personality be like? Would she still be that mischievous little imp she was before her accident.

Which of my other kids would she get along with or not get along with. Before her accident Kailee and Cassidy were very close and sweet with each other. Being 2 years apart would they still be close or would they fight like crazy as teenagers.

After Savy was born she just loved to lay on Kailee and ride on her wheelchair. We were constantly finding Savana trying to give Kailee toys or treats. We would find her sitting on her lap or on the bed with her just talking to her. Would they be close. They would be 3 years apart.

I wonder how she would interact with my boys. I watch the other kids that live near me that are the age Kailee would be if she was still alive and wonder if they would be her friends. I watch them as they started Jr. High this year with a heavy heart wishing my sweet girl was on the bus with them.

I also wonder what life would be like if Kailee were still here as she was after her accident. With all her "special needs". How different would our family be? How different would I be?

I read an article recently that said for every year you care for a child with severe Special needs, you add 6 years onto your actual age. They actually did a study on Mom's that care for children that are severally disabled. If this is true I added 24-26 years onto my actual age in the short time that Kailee lived after her accident. I feel this study is accurate from how I feel...I can't imagine how I would feel if she were still here and had been for the last 7 and 1/2 years.

I guess I am just missing my daughter and wishing she was still here. I am so grateful for all that I learned from her and all that she gave up so that I can be who I am. I have my sad moments but in the end I know where my daughter is and I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that sustains us through this moments.